How To Pick Up Women

An example

Women aren’t stupid, nor are they all the same, so what works for one woman might not work for all or even most, but there are some characteristics and practices that seem to appeal to more women than not.


Confidence, not cockiness, helps.  Symptoms of confidence include good posture, an assured speaking voice, and a healthy level of eye contact.  You want to speak and carry yourself as one who knows what he wants and is willing to take a risk in order to obtain it.  You want your mission to be clear, and you want to be clearly committed to it.


Listening is a means  of value-giving.  Just as, if not more important than what you say is how you listen and how you respond, verbally and non-verbally to a woman when she responds to your advance.  Listen not merely to hear words.  Listen in order to give value.  Again, use eye-contact and make sure you are facing her from a distance that is not awkwardly far but not intimidatingly close.  Close enough to put your hand on her shoulder but not close enough to hug her.  Remember: the purpose of your listening is not only to hear what is being said but to communicate your appreciation for what she is saying.  Value her, beginning with her words.

Be Welcoming

Smile, not like a dork, but like one who is genuinely happy to be interacting with a beautiful woman.  Smile like you know she likes you.  Unfold your arms.  Use simple hand gestures, and let your hands face up more than down.  Up is inviting and offering.  Down is controlling and oppressive.  Make a clear offer for her to respond to.  Ambiguity is not your friend.  Give her something to either say yes or no to.  Instead of asking for her number, offer to contact her.  It’s less risky to offer her your number, but it is not her responsibility to reach out to you.  You are the initiator.  You are the driver.  Act as such.

Be Safe

This is not easy to communicate non-verbally, but this is what you’re going for, maybe more than anything.  More than most women want an attractive man, they want a safe man.  Physical attractiveness at its best is only a means of getting noticed by a species that is much less visually stimulated than it is emotionally hungry.  Women want to feel protected, and while many a man will spend countless hours at the gym working to make himself appear as one who could defend his woman against an attacker in a dark alleyway, the truth is that if you can muster the balls to approach her, you’ll get much further in a relationship with her if you can demonstrate yourself as one in whom she can entrust herself and her emotions.  In other words, while it’s good to be able to protect her from an attacker, you’ll more often need to know how to safeguard the outpouring of her emotions.

Can she share herself with you?  Can you hear what she is most ashamed of, uncertain of, and insecure about, and still love and accept her exactly as she is?  Can you be vulnerable with her, and she with you, such that your iniquities lean against one another in a supportive way rather than a corrosive way?  Maybe you can carry her through a door, but can you carry on together through uneasy times?  Can you care about her when she doesn’t care about herself?  When she doesn’t care about you?

If you can, you may not be merely picking up a woman.  You may be cherishing her.  But then, that’s how you attract a woman.  The ability and desire to cherish is attractive.

Summed Up

The truth is that the best way to attract a woman is to reflect the man of Christ.  Be confident.  Know who you are.  Know why you are here.  Give of yourself in such a way that says, ‘I value you more than my own well-being.’  Welcome her.  Invite her.  Be safe for her.  Provide, protect, and pray for her.

It is He after all that she and all of us long for, whether we know it or not.  It is He that satisfies our souls, and He that she requires, as do you.  Consequently, the better you know Him, the better you might reflect Him, the better you might love her, and the more she might desire you; keeping in mind that Christ was crucified by the church He loved.  And loves.

It is of course in the process of coming to know Him better that I hope that you might see the absolute ridiculousness of using the example of Christ to lure a woman into bed.  No greater evidence of your depravity, and thus need for Christ, may exist other than in your willingness to use Him as a pickup line; as a means to your selfish ends.

Certainly, is not good for man to be alone, but it’s also not good to use women as if they were created by our Father merely for the sake of validating our false understanding of what it means to be a man.  I’m sorry to say I’ve been guilty of this.

So do her a favor: point her to Him, and if and when you are both oriented upon Him, then point her to the alter.  And then to the room.  Because only then, when you are free to be who you were created to be, and free to have sex in the context it was created to be known in, will you be free.  Going through the motions of intimacy without doing so in the safe container that God gave us to enjoy it within is no more wise or enjoyable than it would be to create a warm, crackling fire on the living room carpet, in front of the fireplace.  You will do more harm than good, and fail to understand the wonderfulness of fire–or sex–in its rightful place.  You will only know a cheap and destructive substitute.


It’s not what you should want.  It’s what you already most want, even if don’t realize it yet.

How to Stay in the Suck

Dealing with stuff you don’t want to deal with

Sometimes life sucks

In these moments, or months, or years, we run to that which we trust most.  We run to that which we believe will give us comfort.  We run to that which we believe will help us to cope with the pain, frustration, anger, and suckiness of our situation.

These things that we trust can take on a few different forms.  Maybe you look for solace in a bottle.  Maybe you look for peace in a paycheck.  Maybe you trade your life for attention because you think you’d rather be dead than unnoticed.

Whatever it is, the shitty reality is that none of these things–none of these worldly coping mechanisms is enough.  Eventually, they all fall apart and leave us still wanting.  Still insecure and unsure.  Still desperate for comfort.

But knowing that isn’t enough.  You can read these words, and maybe even believe them to be true in your mind, but until your false savior fails you so hard that you stop giving it your trust, your hope, and your life, you’ll keep doing it.  You’ll keep placing the tremendous weight of your broken identity onto the weak shoulders of a woman, a man, a substance, an employer or a kid until it hurts enough that you stop.

My encouragement to you

If you still find yourself trusting in anything other than Christ, pray that it fails you.  Pray  that it fails you sooner than later so that you can start trusting in He who can and has carried the weight of your iniquity.  Pray that your false savior disappoints you so profoundly that you forever remember why it is unworthy of your trust.

And, if you have already experienced this pain and disappointment and know not where to go with your burdens, frustration, anger, questions, grief, stress and aggravation–pray.  Pray to God your Father and our Creator that he remind you who he is what he has done.  Remember that this life is temporary, and that ultimately, all will be made right.  Everything will be okay.

I don’t like to dwell on shitty situations.  I like to get through messiness quickly.  If I could be on the phone with a tow truck driver before the air bag finished deploying, I would be.  But sometimes, and only sometimes, it’s better to stay in the suck for a while.  I’m not advocating for victim-mentality or woe-is-me moments, and I’m not saying you should make an award-winning pity post every time you have a bad day. #cantkeepmedown

I am saying that sometimes it’s wise to stay in the suck, especially if you had some responsibility in causing it, and if staying in it helps you to see your responsibility well enough to keep you from causing a similar kind of suck in the future.

Know this: you are not alone.  You are not uncared for, and you are not the sum of your failures.  It will get better, and it will be okay.  Trust Him and Him alone.

Romans 8:18

He Did That We Might Do

We strive unending to emulate perfection

Consider that everything he has commanded we do he has already perfectly demonstrated.

He lived as we ought live.
He gave us that we might give.
He forgave us of much that we might forgive others of relatively little.
He sought and saved us so that we too might seek and save the lost.
He spoke words that we may now speak with confidence,
and he responded to the cries of the downtrodden so that we might continue.
He served that we might serve.
He loved the we may love.
He suffered righteously that we might suffer for righteousness sake.
He submitted so that we might submit,
and he welcomed that we might welcome.

He died that we might live, but that’s why he is the Christ and we are not.

How I beg and plead He hear my prayer,
“Are you even listening!”
And how my soul shakes when given His response:
“Are you even listening?”


Woe to the man who thinks his highest worth

his ability to conquer meaningless hills

How he strives and strains to satisfy the world

Giving the life given him to lackluster thrills

The chains he wears he cannot feel

For they lie unshaken in comfortable scars

Confined to a cell of sad but certain controls

He knows not the freedom past his unshackled bars

Woe to the man who does not respond

To his maker when given eyes that can see

Woe to the man who knows his mirror too well

And still himself has yet to see